Thursday, May 21, 2009

Long Winded Sadness

I know that these troublesome pigs and their cest pool of germs seem to be a recurring theme in the media this past month, but we figured since pigs are an easy thing for all of our Pigeon Stew readers to relate to, we should stick with it.

Now, if you happen to be 16 or 17 and in grade 11 (which we believe 3% of our demographic is) and you happen to be taking biology than you have probably recently experienced the miracle that is dissecting a newborn piggy. An exciting, exhilarating event it is! Here at the stew we really love the whole concept of destroying animal carcasses (See goat piƱata article)! Golly gee nothing gets us off faster! Now I’m sure most of you were told that the pigs are still-born fetuses who didn’t survive, and you are NOT allowed to take any of the body parts home...well rules are made to be broken. And all that malarky about Piggy McPiggerson being a still-born, that my friends, thank the gods of humor, is a lie. The pigs are infact bred and than brutally murdered in order for us to experiment on, of course, in the wretched name of science. Quick note: if it was in the name of a god then that would be a whole other story. I personally sacrificed Turkey to Kwame Kilpatrick...noticed how I said "Turkey" and not "a turkey", I sacrificed a country bro.

Now while the whole issue sounds unfortunate and hilarious, we put our superior minds to the tes and found that it could be much more ufortunate and hilarious. That’s right, here at Pigeon Stew we’re crazy mofo bastards and just love to beat off on a dead horse—or shall we say pig, for morbidity's sake?

Anyhow, this is what we concluded. Mama sow is a sweet dear innocent piggy that we get from the farmers in the famous novel, Charlotte's Web, yep, we also get Babe from the classic movie "Babe"...but that's another story in itself. In the van, heading back to our farm we tell her stories of the great days to come. We speak of the many prosperous babies she will have, not to mention the lavish sweat pig slop made of truffles, caviar, and seasoned with ample amounts of our own sweat and blood. Then, when we get to the farm, the pig is surprised to find a disgusting piggy brothel. Here we whore out the young sow, along with others much like her, to disgusting and morbidly obese hogs with severe drug issues. Us humans now relish in the fact that we are way smarter than these pigs, and we crack a bruski like the brohans we are. During the degrading sale of the sow’s body we ensure that she becomes pregnant. Then, while we wait for the pregnancy to run it’s course we assure her that we will take care of her babies and that this was a horrible mistake, once again displaying our cunning pig-tricking abilities...HAR! After months of pampering and reassuring, the piglets are born. At that moment the babies, who have a striking resemblance to the hog that used their mother, are taken, rubbed into the sow’s face and then murdered on the spot. Shortly after the fresh piggy corpses are shipped off for half baked teens to poke around the insides of. When interviewed after being told this story one Indian student asked one question: “Where is the justice!?”

I’m not sure Kumar, I'm really not too sure, let’s ask the audience.
Do you know where the justice has gone? Please tell us your thoughts on our facebook. Our name is Pigeon the blogs name...actually exactly the same if you can't find it, you're so dumb.

Chowda Chops.

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