Monday, November 1, 2010

Announcing the 'Post Hipster Movement'

Thought just being a hipster was hard? Then don't even try to be post hipster.

But Foxy! What makes a hipster any different than a post-hipster.
Well, post hipsters don't directly speak to anyone, let alone answer questions when a stranger e-mails them, so go sit on it. (post hipsters LOVE disgusting old sayings, not to be confused with hipsters,who are just disgusting and old)

Post hipsters are the coolest of cool, tacky Christmas sweaters in June, cutoffs in the winter. But wait! Not cutoff jeans, that's too hipster. The newest craze is cutoff underpants. That't right. Does your dad have any old and stained underpants around? The more stained the better, cut those babies off until they literally aren't even a garment anymore.

That isn't even the half of it. It's well known that Hipsters love irony, but post-hipsters make ironic statements ABOUT irony, not to mention they constantly define irony and tell other people they aren't being ironic ironically.

Like to photoshop? That's good, keep doing it...but only using paint.

Like ray bans? Crush them. Post hipsters only wear American Chopper Brand Glasses.

Like facial hair? Don't even think about it unless you can grow a hulihee.

Buy my book,

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sorry I've Been Away, I'll Post Some Nude Pics of Chowda Later...

Wife: Honey, you know how depressed I've been, I've gone to see a doctor

Husband: Babe, thats great news, what did Dr. Rustle say?

Wife: He recommended an anti depressant named Abilify

Husband: Okay, did he say what to expect once you start taking it?

Wife: Well, just the usual side effects, possible mood swings, a slim chance of suicidal thoughts

Husband: Well, if you feel comfortable taking it, I'm behind you one hundred percent, are there any more common side effects?

Wife: The website says trouble swallowing but-

Husband: Yeah that won't work

Wife: But honey I-


Did someone say marital conflict?


Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Talk

He stared at me from across the table, his hands folded, calm. The softness of his voice sent fear through my spine as he spoke the words:

"I understand, you're a young man and you're dating my daughter. Sex is a new frontier and exploration is only natural, I just want to make sure there is no unplanned pregnancy, especially with my baby girl."

I didn't think of what I was doing before I spoke with a timid smile:

"Sir, if my sperms are as shy as I am, I doubt they'll show up at all."

Should've Said Nothing,

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Explosions: The Silent Killer

"Explosions: The best defence is a good offense."

Introducing: American Removal and Survival of Explosions - An American Guilde Spot:
The A.R.S.E. - A.G. Spot

Now in 4 Easy Steps!

1) At the first sign of an explosion of any kind, immediately locate your .45 calibre banana clipped poison bulletted sabre rifle, and begin to shoot the explosion into submission repeating the words "pwnography, pwnography, pwnography!"
2) For more stubborn explosions, such as these found in train stations and Israel, a more psychological approach needs to be taken. Begin shouting obscenities at the fiery mass, the more racist the better!

*repeat steps one and two in sequence at least three times before continuing!

3) At this point, we know we have a serious threat on our hands, so as a collective society, we will have to declare war on the explosion. This means deploying all our troops, as well as our troupes! Our soldiers and dramatic types will find creative inspiration in the eyes of their counterparts, and this creativity will bring plenty of glory to the heartland!
4) When all else fails, we will create a bigger explosion to kill the current explosion, we will once again use our sabre rifles, so be sure to stock up on some specially formulated silver bullets made in the Washington Mint! We are going to unfortunately have to shoot George Michael, because we know nothing has ever blown up stronger than he did back in '94!

Keep Faith,