Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sometimes Diverse Is An Understatement...

Hello my Shmoopsie Cuddle Puffins,

Here is the scoop:
All your questions shall be answered on this night. I have been receiving hundreds of emails, per hour, from you, the viewers. These emails are delightful and very intelligent, not to mention your Byootifull ability to misspell more frequently than we do. Of course you are probably assuming that most of these emails are January showers of praise and invitations to act in dirty ways (you have no clue how many grandma's want me to help them plant daffodils and how many sexy girls don't talk to us). You are too right, But more importantly you have been asking about who it is that runs this site, our employees that is. So I've decided to reveal the life and times of a valued member of the team. He is also straight. Hmprh.

The Life and Times of: Señor Chiko, The Mexican Who Can't Speak American.

Chiko Rodriguez Lorenzo Rodriguez Shaquille Harrison is a 32 year old hairy male who resides in Essex, Ontario during the summer months, picking tomatoes and doing random freelance work during his spare time. The rest of the time Chiko spends his in his home land of, you guessed it, Purple Seal, North West Territories. Chiko also owns property in Milan but he doesn't like it that much. Chiko is a third generation Latino-Canadian of the Great White North. His ancestor, Maria Rodriguez Sanchez, arrived there after she was left for dead by the rich American gold prospectors who brought her along to clean his tent. And by tent we mean penis. Chiko's mother was a pro-stitute.

The reason she was left was because the prospector had cheated on his wife with Maria and did not want to be given a dirty look by his priest. Of course for the sake of cliché Maria was pregnant with his baby triplets (yep, hold on tight cause there is more where that came from.) Two babies were eaten by the third while in the whom, thus creating Jenny Craig Rodriquez Harrison, of course the Craig Harrison was named after her father. Jenny Craig lived a modest Inuit lifestyle after moving to the North West Territories with her mother, a successful attempt to escape the Ice Dragons of the North, (scary shit, long story, maybe another time, but not if you keep up that attitude mister) One fateful night Jenny went to a bar where travelers often go for sex, aka a brothel, she went to relax. That's when she saw him, Rodney Shaquille. He was the most oddly coloured man of 45 she had ever seen in her life. He was a lightish brown, not quite white, not quite black and certainly not Indian, but definately a homosexual. Of course curiosity got the best of her, and Rodney had never experienced love making with a woman so he was down for anything. He left to return to his work as a subway ticket vendor in a poor part of Toronto, as he was in the north as a result of a prank pulled on him by his white friends. Of COURSE, 9 months later (I told you there was more, and there is even more of more to come,) A young boy was born. Jenny named her son Chiko Rodriguez Lerenzo Sanchez Shaquille Harisson.

Growing up Chiko was teased by many of the Inuit children for his very mixed, very homosexual, yet native lacking heritage. He was called many names such as Jerk, Idiot, Narwhal Fucker and of course, on account of his Black Mexican ancestry and unfortunate partial last name, "Dirty Sanchez" (he was also called Jew, which is unrelated because he wasn't jewish it was just a good name to call him). This teasing caused him to abandon the family name and replace it with a second Rodriguez.

After a long, abused childhood, full of alcoholism, paint, gas, and baby huffing and no female contact, Chiko made his way to Essex County to make a new life picking tomatoes in the tomato capital of the world: Leamington. Us at the Pigeon Stew found his ad in the "Classified" section of the Essex Voice, next to the escort service ads. It read "Wilin to doo any extra werk at all."

Foxy, who was getting way too famous and had recently discovered masturbation, had a lot to do, and I am an artiste, so we figured, "hey, this dude could work!" and we hired him on the spot. We pay him in Carling brand beer and house him in a box by the high school. He is quite thankful, and is actually sweeping the grass off the summer snow covered side walk out front our house. He's wearing a white Def Leopard Shirt and white paint covered pants (the paint is from when he painted my deck, not art,) He looks ridiculous! Hahaha those zany mixed mexican homosexuals...when will they learn?!

Oh and P.S. Chiko is completely white, skin that is. He got the white genes from his dad. He does have a good mexicano moustache though. And the moral of the story is that homosexuality is genetic.

Enlightened? Yeah...that's what that feeling is.

Love, Chowda Chops.

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