Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Swine Flu Update: Tracing the Problem to the Source

November, the World is in a state of national crisis:

"Don't Lick Those Handrails, Jimmy", said President Obama to Jimmy.

CNN Reports:
[Public health departments across the country are quickly running out of H1N1 vaccine and don't know when the next batches will arrive. Public health departments have been flooded with calls from people wanting to know where they can get the vaccine. Michelle Peregoy, spokesperson for the Virginia Department of Health, said the department gets about 700 calls a day, right after she screamed "shit shit shit shit shit".]
My Dear Sugarbabies,
It is with a heavy heart that I notify you that yes, you are going to die. This is not one of those jokes when the person speaking the joke says "of natural causes" after they say your going to die. You are all actually going to die, and if you don't find God before then you're going to hell too. How do you like that. Don't argue with me it'll only get worse.
The StewStaff doesn't have to worry about dying, because we're smart. We've got the brains. Allow me to explain:
A few weeks ago, every police officer in North America was e-mailed a memo, that stated in rough:
"Sup doods, Its the boss man, you guys are totes gettin the vaccine. I'm enforcing the boss man's pwnage here. I am the pwner. You are the pwned. ROFL! Anywaiz, you all get one (uno) vaccine, and then if there are some left over you will all get a round two and so on. On a more serious note, I feel as if I should speak to each of you about how careful to be during this epidemic. Seeing as we are already pigs, we are at least four times more succeptible to the virus, proven by the scientists at FOXnews. They're always right. Dale from the Morning Traffic should be President/Prime Minister of the WORLD. He's smart! and hes on FOXnews. Do any of you have that on your resume? Didn't think so. I digress, seeing as we are already Pigs, we are more succeptible to the virus. We need to get in the best physical conditions of our lives, men. We need to fight this virus. We need to pop the kneecaps off the virus like Srgt. Steve did last week to that latino kid at the mall. (Nice one bro). We need to take this virus behind the school and get it pregnant, than leave her...she's used goods now. As brobros, we need to band together, and dickpound this virus into submission. You are all equipped with your flashlights. We had to sell the guns to the negros for money for the vaccines. C'mon, it's not all bad. Have you ever heard the Geto Boys? Their flows glow!
Lates Playa Playas!
Love, the Boss Man"
Well, needless to say, once COWda and I got ourhands on this information. (The reason Chowda has been called COWda is because he has hurt our relationship greatly, and as all our readers know, emotional scars take the longest to heal.) We had to do something about it. We can not die. We will not die. The Stew must go on. For the survivors, the police officers, and the mexicans who are used to living in close proximity to livestock. Chowda found a police man, the piggie tried to use his flashlight, but Chowda was like, wayyy faster. Confused as to where Chowda went, the cop ran away, as all good cops are taught to do. Leaving out all the boring slop, Chowda found the secret stash of vaccines, injected me once, and himself fifteen times. He's sleeping it off. He's been sleeping for a whole forty eight hours. Like an angel. It almost looks like he's...crraaaaaap.
His Pulse is Weak, Kinda Like Your New Shoes!

No comments:

Post a Comment